I don't want to go back to Arkansas. I want to stay in Colorado where things work and people are nice and there's good Japanese food and people walk everywhere and there's a college that I want to go to but most likely won't be able to attend because I don't have the money. And the idea of trying to convince my father of helping me to pay makes me want to just take out all of the student loans I can and pay for it myself.
but most of all, I don't want to go home because through coming here I realized how instead of thriving in my current life, I'm just getting by. I don't eat right, I'm tired, I'm sad---ALL the fucking time.
I don't have friends and I can't focus on my school work and I'm left sitting in a corner of the Denver airport crying at the thought of going back to my every day life because of how good it COULD be
Boy in my class: So you got a boyfriend?
Me, fucking pissed because this is the tenth time I've been asked this in the past two months: No. And I'm not looking for one.
Boy: What traumatic event happened to turn you off to having a boyfriend?
Me, ice cold, no trace of joking in my voice: Sexual assault.
Boy: You need to drop that attitude with me
Me: And you need to shut the hell up.
#delilah.txt #vent #i'm about to fucking cry #these motherfuckers think they can say whatever they want to me #and honestly they can #because i hardly put up a fight #because i'm tired #and they know that #so they keep doing it #i have half a mind to just tell them i'm gay #at least then they'll be able to come up with things to say that don't make me so fucking mad #these were the same guys who asked me if white people drank hamburgers with milk and i thought it was just playful shit they were giving me but i've given them too much power #clearly4 notes
you can post all you want but if you aren't aware that i can see and accurately read tons into what you're saying then either you're lying to yourself or you are doing it on purpose
my completed assignments keep duplicating and telling me that i havent done them when i really have and it is distressing me very badly
half of me wants to eat like a normal person because I have this conceptual “new Delilah” who doesn’t give a shit about what anybody thinks and has decided to give these new people the most authentic Delilah anybody has ever gotten
and the other half of me never wants to eat again
#dnr #vent #Ed cw #ed tw #eating disorder #I can’t seem to find a middle ground #where I get to eat a moderate amount and not want to fucking die #because that’s what it is #when you think about it #I’ve always been one of two extremes and there aren’t many people who like both extremes #so by being this new Delilah id be weeding out the people who don’t like either #or only like one #but also I could stop eating and become the docile little creature people seem to tolerate and just take what I can get3 notes
most of my posts recently have been venting and this one is too but i still feel bad sorry guys
i haven't been able to breathe for the last three-ish days. it's like my chest collapsed in on itself and i just haven't managed to get to an ER yet. it started in a starbucks bathroom and still hasn't ended.
i've only managed to eat bread, and that's when i've eaten anything at all. today was the first day that i actually had anything not considered in the bread catagory.
i basically haven't left my house since wednesday.
i received something i didn't think i would get--and yet i still feel this way.
i just want a hug.
every so often i'll look in the mirror after i'm dressed and just realize that i look like absolute shit.
i think my parents figured out something was wrong when they heard the goo goo dolls coming from my room. this isnt below the cut because i honestly think it's so goddamn funny that it took iris for them to realize that i'm not doing great.
i can’t seem to do anything right. all of my conversations with my father end in me crying because i can’t control my fucking emotions. I should go outside.
I want to take a nap but noooooo because that’s too depression-y apparently. It’s 4 in the fucking afternoon and we’re gonna go get wine drunk and eat pizza
i hesitate to even post anything here because i know it's an open invitation for a specific person to look but i just don't care at this point. everything i've written is the truth--nothing more, nothing less.
to say my feelings have been hurt is an understatement. for 3 years i have constantly been made to wait by the phone and i'm fucking tired of it. it's disrespectful to me and of my time. it's disrespectful to my mother, who has had to help me shuffle family plans around.
i wouldn't tell them this because i love them and care for them and wish them every happiness--but it's not the first time this has happened. i understand being surprised by my sudden growth of a backbone but when i speak honestly, acting like i ran over their dog just isn't an option. i've given them a lot of slack in the past and always defended them from my parents--who think that i'm in this relationship for all of the wrong reasons.
i just wanted to go to dinner. instead i get to cry on my bedroom floor as i contemplate what flavour of ben&jerry's i'll buy at the store.
i'm angry and sad and i don't know why i'm feeling guilty. there's no reason for me to feel guilty. it's not like i ripped into them--i was honest, and if it was harsh then it was rightfully so.
i just wanted to go to dinner.
jesus fucking christ i hate my period. she was late and now she decides to show up and be just downright awful when all i did was change the things that i eat.
but hahaha jokes on her i'm going to take naproxen and only drink coffee so either i get relief fast or i fucking pass out and either would be welcome.
ED vent below. Don’t feel obligated to read it.
I am by no means pro-Ana. I hate it. I hate the culture around it, I hate the grip it has on some of my friends, and I hate how it sits on my chest.
I let myself go a little, let myself eat a little more. I gained a little weight, and most people wouldn’t have noticed if they’d gained the amount I have, but me being me—I noticed. I don’t know why I let myself eat more. I knew I would hate myself when I gained. I knew it would lead to more meal plans and going to the gym more frequently and drinking so much water that I nearly pass out. Of course I knew. And now here I am.
My parents are glad I gained weight—not that they know anything about the severity of my ED—because they thought I was getting a little too skinny. Them and my former ballet coach who goes to my church, my mentor who also goes to my church, my grandmother, and my mother’s friends. Not all of them think I’m too skinny, though. Grandma hit me up for tips last summer.
And now I’m moving back to deep fried middle of nowhere Arkansas where we have 6 pizza places and 15 bbq joints in town—and they’re really good too. I’m either going to have to live at Whole Foods or become an ascetic if I want to stay anywhere remotely near where I want to be, or even my weight right now.
Most people don’t peg me for a control freak. That’s fair though, considering that I can’t seem to control my own intake.
oh boy do i hate finding out that somebody you interacted with and consumed content from on the internet as a younger person turned out to be a pedophile.
tis but a vent. don't feel obligated to read.
oh boy do i hate having to examine my every interaction with him in the past. oh boy do i hate finding out at a point in time where i'm just worn down and tired and not emotionally equipped to deal with this shit.
i'm not proud of my interests as a child, but i was in elementary and early middle school. i was allowed to watch my little pony and fucking enjoy it. and now this? i never knew how old jbj was, and i didn't care at the time. he had a nice drawing style and a fun voice, and that's all that mattered. i understood that the content i was consuming was off in some way, but i couldn't figure out what. jbj seemed nice enough, and i liked my little pony AND doctor who so why would it matter? the content then started getting darker and i didn't really understand that it was dark so much as i thought it was more mature, and that was "cool".
i moved away from it eventually. stopped visiting his blogs altogether. but the damage was done and here i am, with a fucked up sense of what a relationship between a child and adult should be (though that was influenced by a hell of a lot of other things).
i love my s/o, i really do, but we're both about to move away for different reasons and idk if i can do long distance. i mean, i cognitively know that i could do it, but we're 2 days away from their graduation and i'm already sobbing--and neither of us are moving for at least 2 months.
we agreed on waiting a year and seeing what would happen, with the understanding that the other might date somebody else. it was mutually agreed upon--they brought it up, in fact, so i'm not too worried about a few years down the line where one of us might say "well i didn't really want this." the issue here is that i'm moving to the deep south for my final year of high school and they're going off to college.
i'm fine with them dating other people--i'm a proponent of the idea that young adults go off and experiment and date around. i'm just afraid they'll find somebody prettier and smarter and they'll decide they don't want me anymore. even before we dated, we had been best friends (and i'd like to think we still are), so i know i wouldn't completely lose them from my life. i'm just so scared.
so, if you have any advice or other words of support or encouragement (or tough love tbh, i could always use that), i'd appreciate it. i feel a much stronger sense of community here than on the other hellsite--otherwise i wouldn't have asked.