coffee and yarn

delilah | 18 | she/her | bi | tired

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Posts tagged dnr:

delilah has more feelings

adults over 25 keep telling me to cut off a specific person bc how he treats me counts as neglect (it counts as neglect to them, though i do indeed feel neglected), but i don't want to cut myself off bc he's trying to work on himself and heal (i think. not that he would tell me), and what if tomorrow he tells me he loves me? what if tomorrow he puts time and effort into making sure that i know he's okay?

and on the other hand, what if i die next week having cut him off today and then i'll have died with him being unhappy with me?

i've thought a lot more about my own death in the last few months. i can't die right now--it's out of the question. i'm responsible for the wellbeing of my family, whether i like it or not. it's a feeling that feels unique to eldest siblings (or so I've been told), so i'm not surprised that when i tell him that i am responsible for a 52 year old man who can't seem to keep himself under control, a 2 surgeries in 3 month post op 3 weeks mother who is feeling useless and thus lashes out accordingly, and a 10 year old boy who is caught in the middle of everything and trying to deal with me leaving for college in the fall--that the person in question doesn't seem to respond to my situation with any kind of sympathy or empathy that i can recognize.

and i flip flop between caring and not caring about how he feels about me and my life. one day, i'm fine with not knowing, and the next, i desperately want to know that he cares about me. i want my friend back, and i had that for a while, and then things happened and now i've got nothing. i don't even know if i'm supposed to bother him until he tells me what's going on (bc sometimes that's just what you're supposed to do) or leave him alone until he comes to me with whatever is bothering him. both have, at one point or another, been the right answer.

i wished his nephew a happy birthday the other day. that kid is so sweet. how am i supposed to wish him a happy birthday again if i cut off his uncle?

i don't mean to sound like i'm whining. i'm just so goddamn tired of being responsible. it's not like i haven't done this before. you'd think i'd be more used to being this.

i love him. that's the only thing that matters, in the end. i would do anything for him. i gave him a lot of myself, and at this point i guess i just won't get any of it back.

cw delilah has a lot of feelings

nothing in my life is stable right now and I've articulated that fact to 3 people--my mother, my favourite person on the planet, and *her*. (We'll call her Sofia, for the purpose of this post).

as some of you know, I started a tiktok account, and I didn't tell most of my friends because I hold my work to an incredibly high standard and I needed somewhere to be subpar. So Sofia comes along and follows me, and she likes the subpar work I've put out there. She thinks I'm pretty and fun and wants to hear what I have to say--so much so that she makes an effort to keep up the conversation. It's more real and deep conversation than I've had in a while too.

i think she's fantastic. She has green hair and a wonderful smile and she's super fucking pretty and she's so kind. The world has not been nice to her at all, and she chose to be kind--at least, kind to me. I can't speak to how she is around other people.

I have been craving the exchange of a type of attention that makes my heart go soft for MONTHS and now I have it and I can’t help but feel guilty even though she makes me happy and I’m pretty sure I make her happy and why in my life has happy always been accompanied by guilt??

we're friends. Just friends. and that is how we will remain. I can't handle anything at the moment--much less the implications of ever wanting more.

besides, I'm still holding out hope that a specific someone cares about me. It's a hard thing to justify, but everybody has one or two hard to justify things that they hold on to.

you can post all you want but if you aren't aware that i can see and accurately read tons into what you're saying then either you're lying to yourself or you are doing it on purpose

someone asked me about my necklace today and it made me happy and then it made me sad and caffeine shouldn't make me sad so i'm conflicted (as per usual)

i'm too emotional to reasonably say that this is just about them. it's about the fact that i hate where i am and who i am and what i'm doing.

but i'm pretty sure they know that. they know that i hate where i am and what i'm doing.

but they're busy too and they're not having a great time at the moment so i should just cut them some slack--THAT SAID, it seems like all i do is cut them slack.

i just don't know

i'm very frustrated with people but because i'm frustrated over text i'm willing to bet really good money that they'll never know.

chances are i'll just sit here quietly seething with frustration and one day i'll go off on them and then they'll be like "woah what the hell" and i won't have a good answer other than "oh sorry i guess i just didn't have the balls to tell you that i'm frustrated with the way you responded to an otherwise very sweet, cute idea."

so i had a migraine earlier and decided to medicate for it so i went and got a bottle of what i assumed to be naproxen and shook 2 out but naproxen is blue and the pills were white and i had taken them before it registered that they were white. prior to this i had had wine with lunch so i was panicking about a great many things including but not limited to: interactions between the mystery drug and the wine, what the mystery drug was, and how the whole deal would affect me. flash forward to dinner where i decided that some sake would be a great idea, completely forgetting the fact that I HAD HAD A MYSTERY DRUG NOT MORE THAN TWO HOURS EARLIER.

so tl;dr, delilah is an idiot. i'm fine though

This is the night it all crashes down on me. The whole fucking deal.